I have been married for about nine years and I am a Christian. I am sexually frustrated and lonely. I’m in love with my husband and for the most part, we have a good friendship.
He takes good care of our children and I. We have been to many counselling sessions but he remains the same. In these sessions, he kept talking about the past and how I treated him and that was the reason why he was sexually starving me. I used to accuse him of cheating and that is why he doesn’t want me. He had a girlfriend who he used to spend a lot of time with. I have changed and compromised so that I can get attention and sex, but I am getting neither. I have tried many things, like wearing sexy lingerie, exercising and sexting, but no reply. I have not had sex in a month. He tells me he is too tired. I offer to ‘get him up’ and promise to do the work, but that has not worked.
There is a co-worker whom I have grown to love and he likes me, too. He says all the things that I want my husband to say. We decided to take the relationship to an intimate level. We got together in bed but he could not perform. I felt ashamed and guilty and could not sleep for more than a week. He kept asking me if I was OK. I was not interested in the relationship for a while, but when I started feeling lonely again, I called him and he told me he was busy. I never initiated another sexual encounter with him. I felt even more ashamed and rejected. He has made suggestive comments towards me and he even suggested another sexual encounter, but I refused. The relationship between us has deteriorated. He is not disrespectful but very formal. I understand his stance, as I am a married woman and his co-worker. We have many meetings together, and in some of them we are alone. We heavily depend on each other.
I have asked my other co-workers to take some of his projects so I am not in his space so much. I still like this guy very much and find myself missing his friendship. All we do is stare at each other in the office. I love my husband and would want a sexual and intimate relationship with him. I don’t want to turn to another person to help with my loneliness. How do I get to a place where I am OK without my sexual needs being fulfilled?
Frustrated and Lonely
Dear Frustrated and Lonely,
Your husband is very hard on you and the reason he has given doesn’t make any sense. He is not speaking the truth. It is either that he is tired of having you around or he has other women. No intelligent man would withhold sex from his wife as punishment. But let me ask about what is in your past that your husband is talking about. Are these things that you did before you got married or does he know that you are a cheater? You have admitted that you have cheated with your co-worker but perhaps your husband does not trust you and he knows that you are not a good spouse, so he is punishing you. It is unfortunate that you got sexually involved with your co-worker. That should not have happened.
You say that you regret going to bed with him but at the same time, you would want to have another sexual encounter with him. You feel like you are trash and you feel that he sees you as trash because he is ignoring you. Please keep out of this man’s way. End the relationship with him totally. Try and encourage your husband to go back for more counselling sessions and start your relationship with him afresh. A woman always wants to have her sexual needs satisfied, but it is not only in the bedroom that that can happen. I have said many times that if a man wants his woman to perform and to have his sexual needs met, he needs to make love to her all day and treat her right throughout the day and she would not complain. She will give him the very best sex that she can, and he will give her the very best, also.