My parents don’t know I’m dating an older man

My parents don’t know I’m dating an older man

Dear Pastor,

I am a 21-year-old student at university. I have been dating a man who is more than twice my age for three years.

Recently, he has been mentioning that he wants to marry me but the problem I am having is that my parents don’t know that we have been dating. My mother especially is very hard to deal with. I am afraid to tell them. They will never accept this man. I don’t want to choose between him and my family. I must say that I love this man and we have become attached to each other. This is really going to affect me mentally and emotionally. He has been making plans for us. I am confused. What should I do? I will be graduating soon.


Dear R.S.,

For a long time, I have been receiving letters from much younger women who are in love with older men, especially men who are twice their age.

These girls have expressed their love for these men and say they don’t want to lose them. I know it is easy for some people to say these girls only want money from these men, and that whatever estate the men have, they want to get a part of it. Of course, there might be some truth to that but there are times when the love is genuine. Many young women have told me that the old men treat them better than the younger men. As a counsellor, I have observed that this might be true. Of course, I have had to warn young women that men who are much older are jealous and that is something they should be prepared to deal with. I have mentioned that to you as I contemplate addressing your problem.

You have been going with this man for the last three years but you have kept your love life a secret from your parents. You know they would never agree with you being with a man who is much older. You know the type of parents that you would have to deal with. But regardless of what others say, you are an adult. I know some older men who have married girls who are much younger than they are who have had very successful marriages. I am not prepared to condemn you or to tell you that your relationship with this man will never work. What I will suggest you do is to finish your studies at university and graduate and then you should tell your parents about your future plans with this man. It is not a matter of choosing between your parents and this man, so don’t look at it that way. Your parents should not choose for you. They may make suggestions and try to guide you but that ultimate choice is yours. I remember a certain well-known public figure whose daughter fell in love with a man who was divorced and he was by far her senior. Her parents were against the relationship but they could not break them apart. They encouraged her to go abroad and she did but the gentleman followed her and they got married and then he brought her back to Jamaica. This man and his young wife work together in their own business and they are doing very, very well, and her parents eventually accepted him as their son-in-law. I know them well. I have been to their home and I was amazed at the love and respect that this man had for his wife’s parents. If you know that you are not with this man to get money out of him, and that the love you have for each other is genuine, then you have my blessing. I repeat, do not inform your parents right now about your love life. Wait until you have graduated.


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