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New people crowding our marriage

New people crowding our marriage

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Dear Pastor,

I am desperately in need of someone to give me some advice. I am 34 and I have been married for six years, but my husband and I have been together for 10 years.

When we first met he wasn’t bothered by anything. On our third or fourth date, we had a shapely waitress. I could sense a bit of lust but he neither flirted nor disrespected me.

I thought he probably would but a small part of me felt that if I wasn’t seated in front of him, perhaps something would have happened. I got rid of the thought and enjoyed my evening because I trusted him. We don’t have many arguments as we understand each other well and we reconcile quickly after arguments. Two months ago, he brought up my worst nightmare when he asked for us to have an open relationship. Please do not condemn me.

I love my husband very much so I did not want to lose him. Even though it made me wonder if he was already cheating and wanted to do so without feeling guilty, I accepted his offer and allowed him to have other women.

The only rule was to never discuss what the external woman or man has done to us or for us. It was going very well and our relationship even improved a bit until I met this guy who is very respectful and handsome. He was my first so I was nervous and excited. My husband became very possessive and I realised that he was a very jealous man. The man and I haven’t had sex but we have kissed and he has even given me a hickey. While I was sleeping, my husband might have seen the hickey and he woke me up immediately. We spent all night arguing. God knows how many women he might have had and I have only have had one guy.

GROWING AFFECTION #

I am beginning to like this man very much. He listens to me and we share a genuine interest in each other. My body feels good just by being in his presence. I try speaking to my husband in regards to terminating the open relationship idea. I even compromised and told him that I will end my relationship and build back our marriage. But he has to do the same. He told me that I was a whore and demanded that I end the relationship, but he will have other women because it is what I deserve.

Pastor, I want my marriage to work but I am starting to hate my husband and the venomous, disrespectful and hurtful things he tells me. I am considering getting a divorce if he does not change. I brought up the topic and he said he would not sign any papers. I did not want to involve legal strategies or law enforcement, so I do not know what to do. I still love him but he is hurting me and I cannot allow it to continue. What do you think my next step should be?

N.

Dear N.,

When your husband suggested that both of you should have an open relationship he was tired of only having you, but you did not understand it. You gave him permission to go with other women and he pretended that he was giving you permission, but he didn’t mean it. Both of you have destroyed your relationship and it will never be the same. Both of you have lost respect for each other.

This man does not feel that you are his wife anymore. He is unfair. Although he told you that he wanted an open relationship, he did not expect you to get involved with another man. That is why men say girls cannot do what men do and still be a lady. Here is what I am going to suggest. Call a counselling psychologist and make an appointment. If this man changes his mind and stays with you, it will not be immediate.

He has already told you to end the relationship with the other guy although you did not go all the way. I hope that with professional help and lots of prayer, your marriage can be saved. I will be praying for you and I will ask God’s people everywhere to remember you in their prayers.

Pastor



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